Helping Others become Who they're Meant to Be

How can we grow? Life's not all butterflies and rainbows, but we can get the most out of it and ourselves!

We all have a tendency for growth. This tendency is either promoted by other people in order to help you become the person you're meant to be, or it's exasperated by others. Chinese philosopher Lao-Tzu (or Laozi) said the following:

If I keep from meddling with people, they take care of themselves.

If I keep from commanding people, they behave themselves.

If I keep from preaching at people, they improve themselves.

If I keep from imposing on people, they become themselves.

The latter was internalised by the late American psychotherapist Carl Rogers (1902-1987). It was his, among others, idea that we all have an innate biological drive towards self-actualisation. What does that mean? In-built within us, there's a tendency to build ourselves into who we want to be.

Is this biological tendency always aimed at good? Of course not! We can either choose to live our lives to the fullest by investing in others and ourselves, or we can get the most out of it by murdering women in their mid-twenties with pale blonde hair. The choice is indeed ours (and I'd hope we'd choose the former). This tendency isn't biased towards good or evil, it just is.

So how can we make use of this tendency to make the most out of life? (I'm of course going to focus on explaining how to use this tendency to promote the goodness in yourself and others rather than satisfying you own needs by doing what seems right for you at the expense of others!) Well, in the psychological sciences there are many a theory on how to achieve happiness, and in social psychology we have many a observation and study of human interaction and consequences thereof. Evolutionary psychology also has a lot to contribute, along with so many other fields of study that have a keen interest on the homo sapien, and how he or she can get the most out of life. But I'm going to aim my focus quite pointed towards discussion around our basic needs and how to be present to others, and how to reach our in-built potential through discussion of the aforementioned Rogers, and another American psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908-1970). In my mind, these two have a lot to contribute.

What are our needs?

A pretty cool version of Maslow's hierarchy
[http://timvandevall.com/printable-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs-chart/]

Maslow (1954) identified a hierarchy of needs that consisted of five levels. At the bottom we have our basic, or primal physiological needs. We all need clothing, food, drink, and so on to survive. At base, this is what drives us. A level higher we have a need of safety and security. We open up a bank account and set up tuition funds for our kids so we can feel a little secure. Without these in place we'd open ourselves up to overwhelming anxiety (say if our funds couldn't accumulate and we couldn't sustain ourselves). Then we have love and belonging needs. Without a partner, a circle of friends, someone that listens to us when we bear things to them, we couldn't function to the best of our ability. Even if the levels beneath were satisfied quite nicely, without love and comfort we'd be on the road to nowhere... A level higher come our self esteem needs. Most feel like they need to be accepted by others. That others place high value on them. That through our being recognised we feel better about ourselves. It's when we think we aren't noticed, that nobody even cares, that our self-esteem seems to plummet. Finally, at the very top we have our self-actualising needs. These are the highest needs for every person. Knowledge, a sense of justice, morals, creativity, helping others, and so on, take an active place in our minds. Through self actualisation we become more aware of ourselves, recognise the freedom that's inherent in our being, have the ability to be honest and actual care for others, and can learn to trust. It's through self-actualisation that we can get the most out of life!

But how's it that we can be self-actualised?

Here's a few tips:

Experience life fully

When we throw ourselves into what's meaningful for ourselves - selfishly if you will - you are on the road to let yourself dictate where you stand, not imposing authorities.

Make a choice to grow

Daily we can balance where we'd like to be at and where we are now. By realising our ideal self, and our current self we can bridge the gap and get to where we want to be.

Let yourself emerge

Be honest with who you are and what you want to live for. By succumbing to what others have formulated for your life we are only deluding ourselves. 

Strive for excellence

By using our intelligence we can understand how to perform the roles we can realistically see ourselves in. By being rational and setting up achievable goals we can rejoice when we've reached over and above those goals!

How can I let others achieve their potential?

Being person-centred (that is, being there for somebody that opens up to you and listening to them, fully present and responsive) is achieved when you have helped somebody that comes to you leave with better insights into themselves and on the way to a greater potential. Rogers (1946) understood that when we are there with a person that comes to confide in you, when we show unconditional positive regard (i.e., always holding the person in high regard without passing judgement), when we're congruent (i.e., genuine in ourselves rather than putting on a facade or just pretending to be there), and when we're empathetic (i.e., seeing what the person's going through from his or her own perspective and putting ourselves there with the person), this enables the person to express deep motivation, to explore their own attitudes, to come to a better realisation of themselves in order to choose to behave in such a way that's self-actualising!

When we're there for that person we crate a whole new landscape for their potential for growth. Just think about it... How cool and helpful is it when someone just listens to you? Not just listens, but looks like he's actually interested?! It gives you the chance to feel heard, to feel understood. And how cool's it when they correctly reflect what you've said? Or challenged your negative thoughts about yourself? It's a very uplifting experience to be in the shoes of the teller, and even more so to be in the shoes of the hearer!

Here's the way Rogers (2004) sees it using a metaphor of potatoes kept in a dark cellar over winter:

The conditions were unfavourable, but the potatoes would begin to sprout pale white sprouts, so unlike the healthy green shoots they sent up when planted in the soil in the spring. But these sad, spindly sprouts would grow 2 or 3 feet in length as they reached toward the distant light of the window. The sprouts were... a sort of desperate expression of the directional tendency I have been describing. They would never become plants, never mature, never fulfil their real potential. But under the most adverse circumstances, they were striving to become. Life would not give up, even if it could not flourish (p. 118).

What's he saying? 

We'll still live our lives even in the darkest of circumstances. We'll still try to shoot up, but just like the pale white sprouts in the potatoes we can't get to our full potential unless we're in a circumstance where we're encouraged. We'll keep trudging on, just like life, never really going and never really getting...

References

Maslow, A. (1954). Motivation and personality. New York: Harper. 

Rogers, C. R. (1946). Significant aspects of client-centred therapy. American Psychologist, 1(1), 415-422.

Rogers, C. (2004). On becoming a person. London: Constable.