As a parent I like to expand my knowledge to its capacity with regards to the most beneficial rearing of kids. I'll assume that this is every parents goal: To get accustomed to ways of raising your kids for them to be productive members of society. Doesn't everyone want kids that'll make them and the larger public proud? That's my assumption anyway.
But in a world where there's books by the thousands that seemingly offer the newest and best ways to raise kids, how can we tell which way (if there is such a thing) is most beneficial? Some books focus on anecdotal evidence ('It worked for me, so why wouldn't it work for others?'). Other books bring in anecdotal evidence of parents coupled with effective methods and models of parenting and how they're implemented in the real world. Still other books and articles would focus purely on research models that have been backed by exhaustive empirical evidence and which are shown effective over the a longer period of time (i.e. longitudinal research on families).
But I'll ask again, where should we get our ideas of raising our kids from?
For me, I like to focus on both anecdotal and research-backed methods of parenting in order to best raise my son. Each child is an individual, and I can't rest on what people suggest me to do for my kid - methods that seemingly work for theirs. What I want is to see results. These results (albeit recognising the variability in different contexts) shape how I talk with my son, talk with my wife about great ways to raise my son, and work together with my wife to get the most out of parenting, and for our son to get the most out of his childhood and experience within our family unit.
Now, what do we want when we are parents? I'll propose we want to be able to talk with our kids about the important things in life. Now notice I emphasised with rather than the word 'to'. All dialogues should be two-way. We can't expect to say that we don't want our kid to do something 'because I said so!' Research has shown time and again that this authoritarian style of parenting creates kids that have little independence later in life, higher stress levels, lower self-esteem, and little sense of control over their lives (Buri, Louiselle, Misukanis, & Mueller, 1988; Loeb, Horst, & Horton, 1980; Steinberg et al., 1994; as cited in Burton, Westen, & Kowalski, 2009).
'Tiger-momming' is argued to be an example of this authoritarian form of parenting. But we shouldn't forget cultural factors when we speak of authoritarian parenting styles (e.g. eastern european parenting styles seem to be authoritarian, along with many asian countries - and it's imperative we take these cultural factors in mind when we assess the responses kids have to these styles of parenting).
But let's get to the nitty gritty of the purpose of this post. I titled this How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk because it's such a catchy title! It's the title of a parenting book that was originally published in 1982 by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and has been updated since.
I was first introduced to this book while listening to psychologist Michael Britt's Psychology in Everyday Life (a higher education podcast that can be found free on iTunes). I loved the interview Britt had with Faber on the importance of communicating effectively with your kids.
So let's talk about it.
I've spoken in a prior post about the importance of Carl Rogers' approach to psychotherapy which was expanded to other forms of 'being' (e.g. being in the workplace, cross-cultural being, being in the family, etc.).
This approach emphasises the relationship between people. This relationship must be such so that it allows the other person the potential to self-actualise (i.e. realise their ability to build themselves into the people they'd like to be). Given certain "core conditions" such as empathy (seeing the other person from his or her frame of reference), unconditional positive regard (always acknowledging that the other person without judging them as being 'good' or 'bad' according to what we think those concepts mean), and congruence (or realness of the person; Rogers, 1957).
What I love about the concepts in Faber and Mazlish's (1982) book are that they reinforce the importance of Rogers' hypothesis (albeit it was initially a hypothesis regarding the therapeutic relationship which was later applied to a whole number of other situations cross-culturally) that if the core conditions described can be emulated by a person that is trying to help another reach their full potential, there almost inevitably occurs constructive personality change (Cain 2002, p. 20; as cited in Corey, 2013).
So let's apply this with how we can talk with our kids so that they'll listen, and how to listen so they'll talk.
1. Make sure there is a two way dialogue
When we invite our kids to tell us what they're thinking and we share what we're thinking we can collaborate together to satisfy both our needs.
2. Give your kids options
Instead of telling your kids off for playing with the ball inside ('I said not to play with the ball inside!' What the child hears is 'Play with the ball inside!') you can say something like this: 'Jimmy, we can't play with the ball inside. Let's see, where can we play with the ball. I know, we can play in the front yard, the backyard, the park; play with all that you got!' (this of course depends on the age of the child and their comprehension).
When we give our kids options, or let them suggest their own options they're more likely to cooperate with the parent and end up getting what they want in the end anyway!
3. Share your feelings with the child
Many of us want to yell at our kid to 'toughen up', to say 'no that shouldn't hurt, it's only small', 'you're not sad, you gotta be happy!' or something along those lines.
When we say something like (and this is especially true in the case of fathers) 'Oh I didn't think something like that would hurt, but you seem really distressed. What can we do to make it better?' or 'I can see you're really sad at the moment. Would you like to talk about it? What can I do to help you get to being happy again?' we open up a two way dialogue (see step one) where the child feels acknowledged and understood. When we acknowledge their feelings it creates inside them a sense of empathy for others within them and this will aid them so much in their later development. It helps even well into their married life. When a child only hears for him to toughen up, or when their feelings aren't acknowledged and talked about when they're younger what stops them from turning to their wife and saying 'You shouldn't be upset. Just get over it.' We give the best in our children when we're able to talk to them about what they're feeling and where they want to go with that feeling.
Let them also see you acknowledge your feelings to your wife and them also. Exhaustive research shows that kids model what they see. When they see you emulate positive behaviour and acknowledge different feelings they're more likely to follow. Remember this also works with negative behaviour also.
4. Work with your kids imagination
Imagine your child wants to eat food other than that which you've cooked, or wants to wear makeup when you think they're a little too young. Let's create a hypothetical dialogue:
Child: I want Mcdonald's!
Parent: I'm sorry sweety we only have beef and brocolli tonight.
C: I want McDonald's!!!
P: Well I wish I had McD to give you. I wish we had it right in front of you. I wish this entire kitchen was filled with McD so we can have it all week! No, I wish we had McD stacked up really high in every room so we can see, smell, and eat it whenever we want. And only McD! We can get fat and eat. And do this for breakfast lunch and dinner! But I'm afraid you have parents that cooked you some nice and healthy food. I wish you had those parents that would just give you McD. I'm sorry son, but you're stuck with us.
Now in this example we can have the child potentially realising that he really doesn't want McD as much as he thought he did. When we recognise what they want, play with their imagination, we can hopefully disarm them rather than continually shutting them down from the get-go.
Let's look at another example:
Daughter: I really want to wear makeup mum!
Mum: I'm sorry but I really think you're still a bit to young to wear makeup at the moment.
D: Why can't I wear makeup?! You're nothing but bad to me!
Walks in room and slams door.
After following the daughter the mother knocks lightly on the door and the daughter opens it.
M: I really wish you could wear makeup honey. I wish you could lather it on. Eye shadow, lipstick, blush, bronzer, eyebrows! The whole lot! I wish you could wear it to bed and all day, every day. But I'm sorry that you have a mother that really loves your nice beautiful smooth skin the way it is. You'll have to give me a bit of time to think. Maybe we can talk about it in a while.
This example also might create the potential to have the daughter realise that she doesn't want to wear makeup as much as she thought. It also reinforces that to her mother, her skin is flawless and there's no need for makeup. Finally, it creates the potential for more dialogue rather than shutting the daughter down from the beginning.
Through imaginative dialogue there's the potential to tear down barriers rather than to erect them; to create opportunities for dialogue rather than satisfying the parents need for control.
Of course each situation must be considered on a case by case basis. And depending on the age and background of the child, he or she may react differently.
5. Use one word 'sentences'
What you can say in a whole book, say in a chapter. What you can say in a chapter, say in a page. What you can say in a page, say in a paragraph. What you can say in a paragraph, say in a sentence. And what you can say in a sentence, you can say in a word!
What's this mean? Well, when we use one word statements we allow the child to think about what we're talking about. Their executive functioning is at work and their problem solving skills activated. An example could be a parent seeing the kids school bag on the floor and shouting 'Bag!' (more in an alerting tone rather than a denigrating one). The child has to think about what the parent's saying. 'What does he mean bag? I know he told me to put my bag in my room. Oh, did I leave it on the floor. Where is it? I should get it and put it away.'
You see in the latter an example of the child's thinking processes in action. Rather than having to defend themselves to their parents they are given the chance to work out themselves what the parent is asking of them, and put their cognitions into action-oriented behaviour!
These little tips might work and they might not (though the latter is said with caution given the great results these tips seem to have in the life of children). I'm more convinced than not that when we create an environment where we nurture the child's ability to think for themselves, to create their own options, to use their imagination and executive functioning, and to acknowledge their own and others' emotions they're well on the way of shaping up to be a child that will benefit society and the family unit rather than work to tear it apart!
So let's apply this with how we can talk with our kids so that they'll listen, and how to listen so they'll talk.
1. Make sure there is a two way dialogue
When we invite our kids to tell us what they're thinking and we share what we're thinking we can collaborate together to satisfy both our needs.
2. Give your kids options
Instead of telling your kids off for playing with the ball inside ('I said not to play with the ball inside!' What the child hears is 'Play with the ball inside!') you can say something like this: 'Jimmy, we can't play with the ball inside. Let's see, where can we play with the ball. I know, we can play in the front yard, the backyard, the park; play with all that you got!' (this of course depends on the age of the child and their comprehension).
When we give our kids options, or let them suggest their own options they're more likely to cooperate with the parent and end up getting what they want in the end anyway!
3. Share your feelings with the child
Many of us want to yell at our kid to 'toughen up', to say 'no that shouldn't hurt, it's only small', 'you're not sad, you gotta be happy!' or something along those lines.
When we say something like (and this is especially true in the case of fathers) 'Oh I didn't think something like that would hurt, but you seem really distressed. What can we do to make it better?' or 'I can see you're really sad at the moment. Would you like to talk about it? What can I do to help you get to being happy again?' we open up a two way dialogue (see step one) where the child feels acknowledged and understood. When we acknowledge their feelings it creates inside them a sense of empathy for others within them and this will aid them so much in their later development. It helps even well into their married life. When a child only hears for him to toughen up, or when their feelings aren't acknowledged and talked about when they're younger what stops them from turning to their wife and saying 'You shouldn't be upset. Just get over it.' We give the best in our children when we're able to talk to them about what they're feeling and where they want to go with that feeling.
Let them also see you acknowledge your feelings to your wife and them also. Exhaustive research shows that kids model what they see. When they see you emulate positive behaviour and acknowledge different feelings they're more likely to follow. Remember this also works with negative behaviour also.
4. Work with your kids imagination
Imagine your child wants to eat food other than that which you've cooked, or wants to wear makeup when you think they're a little too young. Let's create a hypothetical dialogue:
Child: I want Mcdonald's!
Parent: I'm sorry sweety we only have beef and brocolli tonight.
C: I want McDonald's!!!
P: Well I wish I had McD to give you. I wish we had it right in front of you. I wish this entire kitchen was filled with McD so we can have it all week! No, I wish we had McD stacked up really high in every room so we can see, smell, and eat it whenever we want. And only McD! We can get fat and eat. And do this for breakfast lunch and dinner! But I'm afraid you have parents that cooked you some nice and healthy food. I wish you had those parents that would just give you McD. I'm sorry son, but you're stuck with us.
Now in this example we can have the child potentially realising that he really doesn't want McD as much as he thought he did. When we recognise what they want, play with their imagination, we can hopefully disarm them rather than continually shutting them down from the get-go.
Let's look at another example:
Daughter: I really want to wear makeup mum!
Mum: I'm sorry but I really think you're still a bit to young to wear makeup at the moment.
D: Why can't I wear makeup?! You're nothing but bad to me!
Walks in room and slams door.
After following the daughter the mother knocks lightly on the door and the daughter opens it.
M: I really wish you could wear makeup honey. I wish you could lather it on. Eye shadow, lipstick, blush, bronzer, eyebrows! The whole lot! I wish you could wear it to bed and all day, every day. But I'm sorry that you have a mother that really loves your nice beautiful smooth skin the way it is. You'll have to give me a bit of time to think. Maybe we can talk about it in a while.
This example also might create the potential to have the daughter realise that she doesn't want to wear makeup as much as she thought. It also reinforces that to her mother, her skin is flawless and there's no need for makeup. Finally, it creates the potential for more dialogue rather than shutting the daughter down from the beginning.
Through imaginative dialogue there's the potential to tear down barriers rather than to erect them; to create opportunities for dialogue rather than satisfying the parents need for control.
Of course each situation must be considered on a case by case basis. And depending on the age and background of the child, he or she may react differently.
5. Use one word 'sentences'
What you can say in a whole book, say in a chapter. What you can say in a chapter, say in a page. What you can say in a page, say in a paragraph. What you can say in a paragraph, say in a sentence. And what you can say in a sentence, you can say in a word!
What's this mean? Well, when we use one word statements we allow the child to think about what we're talking about. Their executive functioning is at work and their problem solving skills activated. An example could be a parent seeing the kids school bag on the floor and shouting 'Bag!' (more in an alerting tone rather than a denigrating one). The child has to think about what the parent's saying. 'What does he mean bag? I know he told me to put my bag in my room. Oh, did I leave it on the floor. Where is it? I should get it and put it away.'
You see in the latter an example of the child's thinking processes in action. Rather than having to defend themselves to their parents they are given the chance to work out themselves what the parent is asking of them, and put their cognitions into action-oriented behaviour!
...
These little tips might work and they might not (though the latter is said with caution given the great results these tips seem to have in the life of children). I'm more convinced than not that when we create an environment where we nurture the child's ability to think for themselves, to create their own options, to use their imagination and executive functioning, and to acknowledge their own and others' emotions they're well on the way of shaping up to be a child that will benefit society and the family unit rather than work to tear it apart!
References
Burton, L., Westen, D., & Kowalski, R. (2009). Psychology. Milton, QLD: John Wiley & Sons.
Corey, G. (2013). Theory and practice of counseling and psychotherapy. Cengage Learning
Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1982). How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk. New York, NY: Avon Books.
Rogers, C. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21, 95-103.
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